Nowhere-Fast.net

The more astute among you may have noticed that I haven’t posted in the past two days.  The more curious of the more astute among you may be wondering why I haven’t posted in the past two days.  The more rational of the more curious of the more astute among you may have figured that I haven’t posted in two days because of the Christmas season and all of its attendant and time-consuming traditions.  If you’re among that select group then congratulations, you would have been correct.

I find myself in Greenwich, Connecticut at my grandmother’s house typing this into my brother’s computer using the new version of Internet Explorer.  I had been a die-hard Firefox fan from the moment I discovered the wonder of tabbed browsing, but now that Microsoft has stolen that functionality for their newest iteration of Explorer I may consider switching back to Gate’s solution.  Of course if I switched back I would once again have to deal with incessant security vulnerabilities and debilitating crash bugs - you know, Microsoft’s usual software accoutrement.  Much as I enjoy the mental exercises that these value-added features afford me I think I will remain a Firefox user.  Also the value of being named after one of the greatest films ever made cannot be overstated.  I mean, come on - the plane can understand what you’re thinking!

The holiday rush was in full effect over the past few days.  As I navigated the impressive Best Buy line to purchase an XBox 360 controller and game for my cousin I couldn’t help but imagine the celebrations that must have been going on at the corporate offices.  Towards the end of the line it was difficult to tell whether people were waiting to make a purchase or browsing.  Hoping it was the former I took my place and listened to two older men in line ahead of me lament the current state of consumer affairs and chatter wistfully about the days of yore.  To Best Buy’s credit their line was very well organized and moved at an impressive pace, rendering the complaints of the older gentlemen moot.

Driving was absolutely chaotic.  Any remaining “Holiday Cheer” or “Christmas Spirit” that people may have been clinging to after they navigated the hot, claustrophobic alleyways of the mall was abandoned sometime during the twenty minute walk to their cars.  People were maliciously cutting each other off for no real reason.  Raised middle fingers became the Holiday salute and honking horns were our Christmas carols.  The lights were no more meaningful then any other red and green holiday decoration as intersections were routinely blocked by drivers who just had to beat that light.  I am, in fact, fairly certain that there were a number of people who had long ago finished all of their shopping and were driving around merely to piss off other drivers.  Despite all of this I only noticed one accident.

My airport experience was similarly chaotic.  The holidays have long been the domain of the “casual traveller.”  In general the “frequent flier/traveller” is the easiest airport personality to deal with.  They know the rules of the road and they understand the many idiosyncrasies that go along with air travel.  Mistakes are made and when you’re a frequent flier you know that eventually you will have to deal with one of them.  The casual traveller is the flip side of that coin.  Any minor issue that comes up is a personal affront.  Security inspections?  Forget it.  You’re going to spend an extra hour waiting around while the oversized guest in front gives you a front row seat to the thong show as they attempt to remove their thigh-high boots.  “Now boarding rows 1-10?”  That phrase has no meaning.  The moment boarding begins it is a free for all to the jetway.  And carry-on?  Don’t get me started on carry-on.

At least I can say that the young gentleman sitting next to me was a pleasant enough flight companion.  While he was clearly new to the whole flying thing (he needed help figuring out how to put a bag under the seat in front of him) he was nothing but polite and amicable.  I, on the other hand, showed him the complex physics involved in baggage handling and then promptly fell asleep for the next hour.  I hope for his sake I didn’t snore.

Actually, I don’t honestly care if I snored or not.  I was tired.

After it all I managed to make it to Grandma’s house.  We’ve just enjoyed a healthy (and I refer to portion as well as content) dinner and are soon going to fall asleep on another Christmas eve.  As is traditional my sister will be the first to sleep and the first to wake while my brother will lay in bed for as long as possible to annoy her because she must wait for the entire family to open her presents.  She’s 31 and he’s 35.

This will be our first Christmas without Dad.  My father passed away about two months ago.  It’s times like this that I hate that I’m an atheist.